I had a very different post planned for today, I had sat down at the laptop to edit photos for my next nail post, when my heart was snapped in two.
Pixel, my gorgeous furbaby, passed away, he was not sick, he was not injured, there was, on the surface, absolutely nothing wrong with him, he was perfectly healthy, but today he suddenly flipped back, seized for less than a minute and then he was gone, taking a massive part of my heart with him. I will never know what took him from me, because we cannot afford the autopsy.
He has been cremated now, and even more depressingly, we could not afford anything but the bare minimum, so we do not have his ashes and I cringe every time I think about the fact that he was just cremated in a pile of other cats and dogs, it makes me feel like my love for him had been lessened to a monetary value and that I cheapened every moment we had together.
Some people out there won’t understand my pain today but many of you will have felt this devastation. They are not just animals, we take them into our lives, we love and care for them, they reciprocate that love, they become members of your family and therefore, a big part of your heart.
We brought Pixel into our lives in June 2009, he was awesome and scatty and just the perfect amount of weird for us. 3 months later, I fell really ill. Even though we didn’t know it at the time it was the start of my spoonie struggle and it was also the start of Pixel’s life as my shadow and best friend.
Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, if I cried out in pain he would suddenly appear out of nowhere, he would sit next to me and start meowing loudly, we never quite worked out if he was trying to keep me awake, trying to comfort me or trying to call Jim in to sort me out.
Since that day, he has been by my side every day, cuddling me, loving me, protecting me, sharing his special brand of crazy with me and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I keep thinking I can hear him rummaging around or see him in the corner of my eye doing something he shouldn’t be doing and every time I look over to the spot where it happened, my heart breaks all over again.
So after all that Pixel has given to me, I decided that I needed to tell the world how much I loved him and how much it hurts that he won’t be there to curl up and watch tv with me tonight and that I will never hear him growl when someone knocks the door every again and that I can’t go to him for rabbit kicks when I’m feeling sad anymore.
Goodbye my beautiful little weirdo, you were perfect in every way.